What Brings Me Joy

Cancer is only a new source of pain and yet another struggle to overcome.  I have dealt with severe chronic pain for decades now and thus, finding Joy each day is mandatory.  Without any source of light, the darkness would become overwhelming.

Beauty always has been a source of Joy for me.  Beauty in Nature, in Art, in Words and Literature, in Music, in contemplation of God and in living creatures... all of these can trigger an opening of emotional floodgates that bring ecstacy to my spirit.  There is a sense of renewed faith in the Universe, however fleeting.

In terms of a purely physical joy, that sense of total freedom from pain or any constraints, I always found this in Carousels.  Riding a painted horse, reaching for a gold ring, listening to that tinkling music that reminded one of music boxes and ice cream... it transported me to a place where I had no emotional scars, no fears, no burdens.  I am an individual who connects with symbols and the carousel holds so many powerful symbols for me.  The eternal circle is the most obvious, both in the movement of the carousel itself and in the gold ring.

I loved the sensation of movement, the wind blowing through my hair, and yet, I loved it more on a painted horse than a real one... partly this is because it is the place my father loved to take me, a place where magic ruled.  The horse was very real to me.  I gave her a name and whispered in her ear each time I saw her, gave her my affection and my dreams.  Even when I became older, I still had a residual belief in the magic of the Carousel.

The horse shown above was one of two horses of mine.  It all depended on two separate considerations: whether my horse and the Sea Monster behind it were free or not, as my sister always wanted to ride the Sea Monster.  Her other animal was the Lion behind my white horse.

This truly is one of the most magnificent carousels I have known... and it is the carousel of my childhood and throughout my youth, even my early 20s.

Although the horses and other animals that went up and down on their golden poles were beautiful, one could not try for the gold ring from an inside 'post'.  It was only when we rode on the outside that we could catch any of the rings.

We seldom missed.  We never were given pocket money so our chances for a second ride were based on our ability to catch the gold ring.  Quite a large number of iron rings were loaded into the arm that extended out towards the riders... Whether the operator loaded one or two gold rings depended on how many horses were occupied by riders.

One wonderful summer, there was a really cute young guy operating the carousel and he ALWAYS loaded two gold rings for us, irrespective of the number of other riders on the outside.  We rode again and again when that happened, because we never missed and there were rings for both of us.

When I was very young, no more than 6 or 7, I read a series of books about a carousel horse and her adventures.  I borrowed them from the public library in the town where my stepfather's parents lived and where we spent our summers.  I loved those books and yet I never have been able to find them as an adult.  No one else is familiar with them.  I have done various searches and never been able to find them.  I recall that the horse's name was Gigi.  That is all... no author's name.  I believe there were four books in the series.

This did not create my love of Carousels but it certainly strengthened it.  I think, apart from the magic itself and the beauty, the flash of light on the brass poles, the dizziness when one looks too closely and too long at the landscape flying by, there was a feeling of safety I never experienced anywhere else.  The horse was bound on a journey but it was one where the end was the beginning forever and ever.

They have used carousels in famous films, but usually in a negative context, in some sort of chase scene that involves criminals or a stalking scene that involves a intent to murder...  In a few films, lovers ride a carousel, and I do not particularly resonate to that either.  For me, it is the symbol of innocence, of joy that has no conditions nor limitations.

When my daughter was born, one of the first outings was to a Park with an antique carousel.  I had her in a little sling and she was less than a month old when I took her on her first carousel ride and, although it may be a little disturbing to contemplate, I reached for the gold ring and caught it!  She was kind of an amazing baby who seldom cried... she certainly appeared to enjoy the ride and in all honesty, there was no way that she could have flown out of the sling to join all of the discarded iron rings.

A Wonderful Young Writer deals with Life with Insight

Since I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer, and my Mum was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma, the axis of my world tilted radically.  When I spoke of my anxiety levels, my Pain Management Doctor responded that, 'I would be worried if you were not experiencing major anxiety.  That would be abnormal,'    I knew everything had changed for me as soon as I received the results from the three biopsies they performed, but knowing about traumatic events and life-threatening diseases never are quite the same as experiencing them.  Furthermore, experiencing them NOW is quite different from experiencing a similar situation when I was quite young.

This is not my first experience with a life-threatening disease.  I almost died when I was in my early 20s and at that point, I became convinced I would not live to reach the age of 30.   I responded to THAT threat and trauma by deciding to 'live for the day'.  What was the point of planning for old age if one did not have that kind of timeline?   The fact that the medical profession did not even find the tumour and kept misdiagnosing my condition did not give me any confidence or faith in my survival.  A girl in her twenties is very different from a woman who have lived for decades, however.  I can remember that, on the night before my Law exams, I would sleep the untroubled slumber of a child... never stressed about the results, and indeed had no reason to do so.

I did survive beyond the age of 30 and I had a daughter, and the moment she was born, I became invested in this life and this world in a completely different way.  No longer could I even think of living for the day.  I had to be conscious of the potential effects upon my child of any move I wished to make.  I always believed that being a mother means putting the child first.  I may have made mistakes in the ways I tried to implement that, but she ALWAYS was first where any major decisions were concerned.

In any event, as I grew older, I began to be affected by very trivial worries, even before the Cancer manifested.  I do not know why... whether it is the effect of too many serious medical conditions that cannot be fixed and doom me to permanent disability or if it is something that accompanies age.  A sense of helplessness does foster anxiety.  We are victims of our past only if we do not struggle against those behaviour patterns that were engendered by our worst experiences.

I thought it was best to try to forget.  My daughter argues otherwise.  She believes in confrontation and I suppose, ultimately, the hope of a tangible victory.  I tried to bury the ghosts, and one ought to realise that ghosts never rest in the ground!

The solution to any problem, small or enormous, is to take back your own power.  The following was suggested to me.  One answers one of these questions every day:

This is the link to the soul-searching journal that I found very inspiring:

An Underdeveloped Story

Dua Nur Kabeer, Source of Light

 Dua Nur Kabeer

In the Name of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful



اَللَّهُمَّ يَا نُوْرَ النُّوْرِ

 O Allah, O Light of the Lights! 

تَنَوَّرْتَ بِالنُّوْرِ وَالنُّوْرُ

 verily You illuminated Your Light through the light, and the light 

فِيْ نُوْرِ نُوْرِكَ يَا نُوْرُ

 is in the light of Your Light, O Light! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا عَزِيْزُ

O Allah, O All-Mighty! 

تَعَـزَّزْتَ بِالْعِـزَّةِ وَالْعِـزَّةُ 

 verily You expressed Your Might through the might, and the might 

 فِيْ عِـزَّةِ عِـزَّتِـكَ يَا عَـزِيْزُ 

 is in the might of Your Might, O all Mighty! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا جَلِيْلُ

 O Allah, O Majestic! 

تَجَلَلْتَ بِالْجَلَالِ

 verily You showed Your Majesty through the glory, 

وَالْجَلَالُ فِيْ جَلَالِ جَلَالِكَ

 and the glory is in the glory of Your Majesty, 

يَا جَلِيْلُ

O Majestic!   

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا وَهَّابُ   

 O Allah, O All-Bestower!   

 تَوَهَّبْتَ بِالْهِبَةِ وَالْهِبَةُ   

 verily You bestowed through the favour, and the favour 

  فِيْ هِبَةِ هِبَتِـكَ يَا وَهَّابُ   

 is in the favour of Your Bestowing, O All-Bestower! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا عَظِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O Greatest!   

تَعَظَّمْـتَ بِالْعَظَمَةِ وَالْعَظَمَةُ 

 verily You showed Your Greatness through the greatness, and the greatness

فِيْ عَظَمَةِ عَظَمَتِـكَ يَا عَظِيْمُ     

is in the greatness of Your Greatness, O Greatest! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا عَلِيْمُ   

O Allah, O All knowing!   

 تَعَلَمْـتَ بِالْعِلْمِ وَالْعِلْمُ 

 verily You spread Your Knowledge through the knowledge, and the knowledge 

  فِيْ عِلْمِ عِلْمِكَ يَا عَلِيْمُ 

 is in the knowledge of Your Knowledge, O All Knowing! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قُدُّوْسُ   

O Allah, O Most Holy!   

 تَقَدَّسْـتَ بِالْقُدْسِ وَالْقُدْسُ 

 verily You expressed Your Holiness through the holiness, and the holiness 

فِيْ قُدْسِ قُدْسِـكَ يَا قُدُّوْسُ 

 is in the holiness of Your Holiness, O Most Holy! 



 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا جَمِيْلُ 

 O Allah, O Most Beautiful!   

 تَجَمَّلْتَ بِالْجَمَالِ وَالْجَمَالُ 

verily You expressed Your Beauty through the beautifulness, and the beautifulness 

 فِيْ جَمَالِ جَمَالِكَ يَا جَمِيْلُ 

 is in the beautifulness of Your Beauty, O Most Beautiful! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا سَـلَامُ   

 O Allah, O Source of Peace!   

 تَسَـلَّمْـتَ بِالسَّلَامِ 

 verily You spread Your Peace through the peacefulness, 

 وَالسَّلَامُ فِيْ سَـلَامِ سَـلَامِكَ   

 and the peacefulness is in the peacefulness of Your Peace, 

  يَا سَـلَامُ 

O Source of Peace! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا صَـبُوْرُ   

 O Allah, O Most Patient!   

 تَصَـبَّـرْتَ بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّبْرُ   

 verily You expressed Your Patience through the patience, and the patience 

 فِيْ صَـبْرِ صَـبْرِكَ يَا صَـبُوْرُ   

 is in the patience of Your Forbearance, O Most Patient! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مَلِيْكُ 

 O Allah, O Ever-King!   

تَمَلَّكْتَ بِالْـمَـلَكُوْتِ وَالْـمَـلَكُوْتُ   

 verily You possessed Your authority through the sovereignty, and the sovereignty 

فِيْ مَلَكُوْتِ مَلَكُوْ تِـكَ يَا مَلِيْكُ   

 is in the sovereignty of Your Authority, O Ever-King! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَبُّ   

 O Allah, O Lord! 

  تَرَبَّيْتَ بِالرَّبُوْ بِيَّةِ 

 verily You expressed Your Lordship through the lordship,

 وَالرَّبُوْ بِيَّةُ فِيْ رَبُوْ بِيَّةِ   

 and the lordship is in the lordship

رَبُوْ بِيَّتِـكَ يَا رَبُّ 

of Your Lordship, O Lord! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مَنَّانُ 

 O Allah, O Benefactor! 

تَمَنَّنْتَ بِالْـمِنَّةِ وَالْـمِنَّةُ     

verily You benefacted through the favour, and the favour 

فِيْ مِنَّةِ مِنَّتِـكَ يَا مَنَّانُ   

 is in the favour of Your Benefaction, O Benefactor! 

اَللَهُمَّ يَا حَكِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O Most Wise!   

  تَحَكَّمْـتَ بِالْحِكْمَةِ وَالْحِكْمَةُ   

 verily You showed Your Wisdom through the wisdom, and the wisdom 

فِيْ حِكْمَةِ حِكْمَتِـكَ يَا حَكِيْمُ   

 is in the wisdom of Your Wisdom, O Most Wise! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا حَمِيْدُ   

O Allah, O All-Praiseworthy! 

  تَحَمَّدْتَ بِالْحَمْدِ وَالْحَمْدُ   

 verily You expressed Your Praiseworthiness through the praise, and the praise 

 فِيْ حَمْدِ حَمْدِكَ يَا حَمِيْدُ   

is in the praise of Your Praisewothiness, O All-Praiseworthy! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا وَاحِـدُ   

 O Allah, O The One! 

  تَوَحَّدْتَ بِالْوَحْـدَانِيَّةِ   

 verily You expressed Your unity through the oneness, 

  وَالْوَحْـدَانِيَّةُ فِيْ وَحْـدَانِيَّةِ   

 and the oneness is in the oneness 

 وَحْـدَانِيَّتِـكَ يَا وَاحِـدُ   

 of Your unity, O The One! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَرْدُ   

 O Allah, O Unique!

 تَفَرَّدْتَ بِالْفَرْدَانِيَّةِ     

 verily You showed Your Uniqueness through the uniqueness,

وَالْفَرْدَانِيَّةُ فِيْ فَرْدَانِيَّةِ   

and the uniqueness is in the uniqueness 

فَرْدَانِيَّتِـكَ يَا فَرْدُ   

 of Your Uniqueness, O Unique! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا حَلِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O All-Forbearing! 

تَحَلَّمْـتَ بِالْحِلْمِ وَالْحِلْمُ   

 verily You expressed Your forbearance through the forbearing, and the forbearing 

  فِيْ حِلْمِ حِلْمِكَ يَا حَلِيْمُ   

 is in the forbearing of Your Forbearance, O All-Forbearing! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَدِيْرُ   

 O Allah, O All-Capable! 

 تَقَدَّرْتَ بِالْقُدْرَةِ وَالْقُدْرَةُ     

 verily You expressed Your Capability through the capacity, and the capacity 

 فِيْ قُدْرَةِ قُدْرَتِـكَ يَا قَدِيْرُ   

 is in the capacity of Your Capability, O All-Capable!

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَدِيْمُ   

O Allah, O Eternal! 

 تَقَدَّمْتَ بِالْقِدَمِ وَالْقِدَمُ   

verily You existed eternally through the eternity, and the eternity   

  فِيْ قِدَمِ قِدَمِكَ يَا قَدِيْمُ 

is in the eternity of Your Eternal existence, O Eternal! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا شَاهِدُ   

 O Allah, O Witness! 

تَشَهَّدْتَ بِالشَّهَادَةِ وَالشَّهَادَةُ   

 verily You Witnessed through the testimony, and the testimony 

فِيْ شَهَادَةِ شَهَادَتِـكَ يَا شَاهِدُ   

is in the testimony of Your Testimony, O Witness! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَرِ يْبُ 

 O Allah, O Nearest! 

  تَقَرَّبْتَ بِالْقُرْبِ وَالْقُرْبُ   

verily You showed Your Nearness through the proximity, and the proximity 

فِيْ قُرْبِ قُرْبِكَ يَا قَرِيْبُ   

 is in the proximity of Your Nearness, O Nearest! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا نَصِـيْرُ   

 O Allah, O Helper!

 تَنَصَّرْتَ بِالنُّصْـرَةِ وَالنُّصْـرَةُ   

 verily You Helped through the support, and the support 

فِيْ نُصْـرَةِ نُصْـرَتِـكَ يَا نَصِـيْرُ   

 is in the support of Your Help, O Helper! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا سَـتَّارُ 

 O Allah, O Concealer! 

 تَسَـتَّرْتَ بِالسَّتْرِ وَالسَّتْرُ 

 verily You Concealed through the concealing, and the concealing 

 فِيْ سَـتْرِ سَـتْرِكَ يَا سَـتَّارُ   

 is in the concealing of Your Concealing, O Concealer!

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَهَّارُ   

 O Allah, O All-Dominator!

تَقَهَّرْتَ بِالْقَهْـرِ وَالْقَهْـرُ   

 verily You Dominated through the dominance, and the dominance 

 فِيْ قَهْـرِ قَهْـرِكَ يَا قَهَّارُ 

 is in the dominance of Your Domination, O All-Dominator! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَازِقُ   

 O Allah, O Best Provider! 

 تَرَزَّقْتَ بِالرِّزْقِ وَالرِّزْقُ   

 verily You Provided through the providence, and the providence 

 فِيْ رِزْقِ رِزْقِكَ يَا رَزَّاقُ   

 is in the providence of Your Providing, O Best Provider! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا خَالِقُ 

 O Allah, O Creator! 

 تَخَلَّقْتَ بِالْخَلْقِ وَالْخَلْقُ 

                                                                                       verily You created through the creating, and the creating 

 فِيْ خَلْقِ خَلْقِكَ يَا خَلَّاقُ 

 is in the creating of Your Creation, O Creator! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَتَّاحُ   

 O Allah, O ultimate Revealer! 

 تَفَتَّحْـتَ بِالْفَتْحِ وَالْفَتْحُ   

 verily You revealed through the revelation, and the revelation 

  فِيْ فَتْحِ فَتْحِـكَ يَا فَتَّاحُ 

is in the revelation of Your Revealing, O ultimate Revealer! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَفِيْعُ   

 O Allah, O greatest Elevator! 

  تَرَفَّعْـتَ بِالرِّفْعَةِ وَالرِّفْعَةُ 

verily You Elevated through the uplifting, and the uplifting 

  فِيْ رِفْعَةِ رِفْعَتِـكَ يَا رَفِيْعُ 

 is in the uplifting of Your Elevation, O greatest Elevator! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا حَـفِيْظُ   

 O Allah, O Best Guardian! 

 تَحَـفَّظْتَ بِالْحِـفْظِ وَالْحِـفْظُ   

 verily You guarded through the guardiance, and the guardiance 

فِيْ حِـفْظِ حِـفْظِكَ يَا حَـفِيْظُ 

 is in the guardiance of Your Guardianship, O Best Guardian! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَاضِـلُ 

 O Allah, O Gracious! 

  تَفَضَـلْتَ بِالْفَضْـلِ وَالْفَضْـلُ 

 Verily You bestowed Your Grace through the grace, and the grace 

 فِيْ فَضْـلِ فَضْـلِكَ يَا فَاضِـلُ 

 is in the grace of Your Grace, O Gracious! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا وَاصِـلُ 

 O Allah, O Communicator! 

تَوَصَّلْتَ بِالْوَصْـلِ وَالْوَصْـلُ   

 verily You communicated through the communication, and the communication 

فِيْ وَصْـلِ وَصْـلِكَ يَا وَاصِـلُ   

 is in the communication of Your communication, O Communicator!

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَاعِلُ   

O Allah, O Executor!   

تَفَعَّلْتَ بِالْفِعْلِ وَالْفِعْلُ   

 verily You executed through the action, and the action   

 فِيْ فِعْلِ فِعْلِكَ يَا فَاعِلُ   

is in the action of Your Execution, O Executor! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَارِضُ   

O Allah, O Imposer! 

تَفَرَّضْـتَ بِالْفَرْضِ وَالْفَرْضُ   

 verily You Imposed through the obligation, and the obligation 

  فِيْ فَرْضِ فَرْضِـكَ يَا فَارِضُ 

 is under the obligation of Your Imposition, O Imposer! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا غَفَّارُ 

 O Allah, O All-Forgiving! 

 تَغَفَّرْتَ بِالْـمَغْفِرَةِ وَالْـمَغْفِرَةُ   

 verily You Forgave through the pardon, and the pardon 

فِيْ مَغْفِرَةِ مَغْفِرَتِـكَ يَا غَفَّارُ   

 is in the pardon of Your forgiveness, O All-Forgiving! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا جَـبَّارُ   

 O Allah, O All-Compelling! 

تَجَـبَّرْتَ بِالْجَـبَرُوْتِ   

 verily You Compelled through the might, 

 وَالْجَـبَرُوْتُ فِيْ جَـبَرُوْتِ 

                                                                                                            and the might is in the might 

جَـبَرُوْتِـكَ يَا جَـبَّارُ 

 of Your Might, O All-Compelling! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا سَـمِيْعُ   

 O Allah, O All-Hearing! 

 تَسَـمَّعْتَ بِالسَّمْعِ وَالسَّمْعُ 

verily You heard through the hearing, and the hearing   

فِيْ سَـمْعِ سَـمْعِـكَ يَا سَـمِيْعُ   

 is in the hearing of Your awareness, O All-Hearing! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا كَبِيْرُ   

 O Allah, O Greatest! 

تَكَبَّرْتَ بِالْكِبْرِيَآءِ     

 verily You showed Your Greatness through the greatness, 

وَالْكِبْرِيَآءُ فِيْ كِبْرِيَآءِ   

 and the greatness is in the greatness 

 كِبْرِيَآئِكَ يَا كَبِيْرُ   

of Your Greatness, O Greatest! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا كَرِ يْمُ   

 O Allah, O Most Generous! 

 تَكَرَّمْتَ بِالْكَرَمِ وَالْكَرَمُ 

 verily You Bestowed Your Generosity through the generosity, and the generosity 

 فِيْ كَرَمِ كَرَمِكَ يَا كَرِ يْمُ 

 is in the generosity of Your Generosity, O Most Generous!

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَحِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O Most Merciful! 

 تَرَحَّمْتَ بِالرَّحْمَةِ وَالرَّحْمُ   

verily You bestowed Your Mercy through the mercy, and the mercy   

 فِيْ رَحْمِ رَحْـمِكَ يَا رَحِـيْمُ 

 is in the mercy of Your Mercifulness, O Most Merciful! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مَجِيْدُ 

 O Allah, O All-Glorious! 

 تَمَجَّـدْتَ بِالْـمَجْـدِ وَالْـمَجْـدُ 

 verily You showed Your Glory through the glory, and the glory 

فِيْ مَجْـدِ مَجْـدِكَ يَا مَجِيْدُ 

 is in the glory of Your Glory, O All-Glorious! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مُجِيْبُ 

O Allah, O Responder!

يَا اللهُ  يَارَحْمٰـنُ  يَارَحِيْمُ 

O Lord! O Most Beneficent! O Most Merciful!

يَا حَيُّ يَا حَلِيْمُ 

O Ever living! O Forbearing One!

 يَا عَزِ يْزُ يَا نُوْرَالنُّوْرِ 

O Mighty! O Light of the lights!

يَا لَا اِلٰهَ اِلَّا

O there is no God save Him.

هُوَ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ

On Him I rely,

وَهُوَ رَبُّ الْعَـرْشِ الْعَظِيْمِ 

and He is the Lord of the great throne.

اَلْحَمْدُ  ِللهِ الْوَهَّابِ

All praise is for Allah, The All-Bestower.

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَجِيْدِ سُـبْحَانَ الصَّبُوْرِ         

Glory be to The Glorious, Glory be to The Most Patient,

سُـبْحَانَ الْبَصِـيْرِ سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَانِعِ     

Glory be to The All Seeing, Glory be to The Preventer,

سُـبْحَانَ الْقَيُّوْمِ سٌـبْحَانَ الْبَرِّ     

Glory be to The Self Subsisting, Glory be to The Source of All Goodness,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُعَافِيْ سُـبْحَانَ اْلأَوَّلِ   

Glory be to The Pardoner, Glory be to The (very) First,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُعِـزِّ سُـبْحَانَ الظَاهِرِ 

Glory be to The Honourer, Glory be to The Evident,

سُـبْحَانَ الشَّافِيْ سُـبْحَانَ الْكَافِيْ     

Glory be to The Healer, Glory be to The Sufficient,

سُـبْحَانَ السَّلَامِ سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُؤْمِنِ   

Glory be to The Source of Peace,  Glory be to The Giver of Tranquility,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُهَيْمِنِ سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُصَـوِّرِ     

Glory be to The Protector, Glory be to The Fashioner,

سُـبْحَانَ النَّاصِـرِ سُـبْحَانَ الْوَاحِدِ       

Glory be to The Helper, Glory be to The One,

سُـبْحَانَ اْلأَحَدِ سُـبْحَانَ الْفَرْدِ 

Glory be to The Sole One, Glory be to The Unique,

سُـبْحَانَ الرَّحِيْمِ  سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُؤَخِّرِ   

Glory be to The Most Merciful, Glory be to The Delayer,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُقَدِّم سُـبْحَانَ الضَّآرِّ   

Glory be to The Expeditor, Glory be to The Chastiser,

سُـبْحَانَ النُّوْرِ سُـبْحَانَ الْهَادِيْ   

Glory be to The Light, Glory be to The Guide,   

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُقَدِّر سُـبْحَانَ الْجَلِيْلِ   

Glory be to The Determiner Of Destiny. Glory be to The Majestic,

 سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَجِيْدِ سُـبْحَانَ الرَّقِيْبِ   

Glory be to The Glorious, Glory be to The All-Watchful,

سُـبْحَانَ اللهِ وَالْحَمْدُ ِللهِ   

Glory be to Allah, and all praise be to Allah,

وَلآ اِلٰهَ إلاَّ اللهُ وَاللهُ اَكْبَرُ   

and there is no God save Allah, and Allah is the Greatest.

وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ   

and there is neither strength nor any power 

اِلَّا بِاللهِ الْعَلِيِّ الْعَظِيْمِ   

except with Allah, the Most High, the Greatest.

سُـبْحَانَ مَنْ يَّشَآءُ بِقُدْرَتِهٖ     

Glory be to the One who wills, through (His) power

وَيَعْلَمُ مَا يُرِيْدُ بِعِـزَّتِهٖ   

And He knows what He desires through His Might

 سُـبْحَانَ اللهِ وَبِحَمْدِهٖ 

Glory be to Allah and praise be to him

سُـبْحَانَ ذِي الْعَـرْشِ الْعَظِيْمِ   

Glory be to the possessor of the great throne

وَالْهَيْبَةِ وَالْقُدْرَةِ   

And the possessor of the awe, the power, 

وَالْكِبْرِيَآءِ وَالْجَبَرُوْتِ   

the greatness and the might 

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَلِكِ الْـمَقْصُـوْدِ   

Glory be to The King who is approached 

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَلِكِ الْـمَوْجُوْدِ   

Glory be to The King who exists

سُـبْحَانَ الْحَيِّ الْحَكِيْمِ   

Glory be to The Ever-Living, the All Wise   

سُـبْحَانَ اللهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى الْحَيِّ   

Glory be to Allah, on Whom I rely, the Ever-living,     

الَّذِيْ لَا يَمُوْتُ   

the one who does not die,   

سُـبُّوْحٌ قُدُّوْسٌ     

The Most Glorious, The Most Holy   

 رَبُّ الْـمَلٰئِكَةِ وَالرُّوْحِ     

The Lord of the angels and the spirit   

لآ اِلٰهَ إِلَّااللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَـرِيْكَ لَهُ   

There is no God except Allah, He alone, who has no partner 

لَهُ الْـمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ   

To Him belongs the kingdom, and to Him is all praise, 

وَهُوَ عَلٰى كُلِّ شَـيْءٍ قَدِيْرٌ   

and He has power over all things

يَااَللهُ   يَارَحْمٰـنُ   يَارَحِيْمُ 

O Allah! O the Most beneficent! O the Most Merciful! 

يَاحَيُّ  يَاقَيُّوْمُ     

O Ever-Living! O Self-Subsisting!     

يَاذَا الْجَلَالِ وَالْإكْرَامِ   

O Lord of Majesty and Generosity! 

  يَا نُوْرَ السَّمَوَاتِ وَ ا ْلأَرْضِ       

O Light of the heavens and the earth! 

يَا لَا اِلٰهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ عَلَيْكَ تَوَكَّلْتُ     

O there is no Allah but You, on You I rely! 

 أَنْتَ رَبُّ الْعَـرْشِ الْعَظِيْمِ 

You are the Lord of the great throne 

اَللّٰهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيْ بِحُـرْمَةِ هٰذِهِ ا ْلأَسْـمَآءِ     

Oh Allah, forgive me by the sanctity of these Names   

وَاصْـرِفْ عَنِّي الضَّرَّآءَ وَالْبَلآءَ         

And avert from me the harm and the tribulations,

وَالْهُمُوْمَ وَ الْغُمُوْمَ وَجَمِيْعَ ا ْلاٰفَاتِ   

and the worries and the griefs and all the calamities 

 وَمِنْ أَوْلَادِيْ وَ اٰبَآئِيْ وَ أُمَّهَاتِيْ وَ أَقْرِبَآئِيْ 

And from my children, and my fathers and my mothers, and my relatives   

وَعَشِـيْرَتِيْ فَاِنَّ عَلَيْكَ فِيْ جَمِيْعِ ا ْلأُمُوْرِ اعْتِمَادِيْ     

And my tribe, so for sure I have depended on you in all my affairs   

وَالصَّلٰوةُ وَالسَّلَامُ عَلٰى خَيْرِ خَلْقِهٖ   

Blessings and peace be upon the best of His creations,   

مُحَمَّدٍ وَ اٰلِهٖ اَجْمَعِـيْنَ   

Muhammed and all his progeny.

 بِرَحْمَتِـكَ يَا اَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِيْـنَ  ـ 

By Your Mercy, O the Most Merciful of those who show mercy.

In Defiance of Cancer

I lost one of my childhood friends (and one of my first sweethearts) to cancer last year.  Stupidly, he would not speak to me because of a POLITICAL disagreement.  He always was absurdly rigid and stubborn, but of course I grieve for the boy he was, the boy who was my companion and friend at a time when I was a young girl who was 'different' and 'eccentric' and placed in a category in schools that instantly placed a target on my back...  So there were many who never bothered to find out what sort of person I actually was, simply because I had been branded as 'gifted'.

We find out whether we are cowards or not when faced with our deepest fears... and it is not fear that makes one a coward but the act of trying to run from that fear rather than facing it.  My daughter asked me to design a tattoo for her in calligraphy: Conquer Your Fears.  She had it placed on her wrist precisely because she had a phobia about being cut on that part of her body.  Brave warrior woman, my Freya.

Now, facing my worst fear, because my Mother had breast cancer when she was 42 and they stripped her of her flesh to the point where she could not stand the sight of her own body, while my sister and I witnessed her transformation and I know feared, both of us, that it was our own future there in front of our eyes....

Every one says it is a different world now, but I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and they say I will lose the breast... whatever they claim will or will not be at this point is simply speculation.  It is only AFTER I go under and they cut me open that they will decide what can be saved and what must be lost.  So yes, I am not calmed by the platitudes and positive affirmations from the medical profession because written beneath each claim is the uncertainty, the disclaimer that none of it can be guaranteed.

It is curious but I am more concerned about the mental welfare of my daughter now than anything else.  Remembering how my Mum's fate affected me, casting a dark shadow over my very identity as a woman, any pleasure I might have had in being a woman, any joy in my femininity... I want my daughter to have a different vision.  I want her to see that everything is, if not good, acceptable, viable... I want her to live outside this terrible spectre that darkened most of my adult life.

We can try to erase elements of our psyche, but our childhoods remain in the bone, as it were... it is not erasure, but methods of coping that have to be set into place.

What is 'Cancer' anyway?  It is not one disease, but a thousand different diseases, and all have been gathered under the umbrella of the 'BIG C', an expression I absolutely loathe.  The enemy is given strength and enhanced by this grouping, like the army of Sauron.  Why do we do this?  God only knows...  When one is told one has cancer, one simply PANICS because many of these dreadful diseases are fatal.  In fact, why isn't one told instantly what specific disease one has???

When I did a bit of research on Cancer long ago, I instantly recognised one aspect of it:  It is not Death, but rather Life run Amok... it is the life in specific cells taking on greedy desire to grow, to multiply, to take over...

I have had less than a fortnight to come to grips with the enemy in my own body, with the interloper that is trying to possess and expand its territory.  The great irony is that it is based on the very hormones that gave me the ability to have a child and nurse that beautiful child.  If I had a choice now to make a deal with the Devil as it were:  Don't have a child and you won't be inflicted with this Cancer!  or 'Have your child and be inflicted with Cancer!'... I would not hesitate.  Having my daughter was the most brilliant and magical experience of my life and being able to nurse her was incredibly beautiful and empowering for me. 

The joy in being a woman ALWAYS was diminished by pain in my own life.  I had a terrible cycle, punctuated by cluster migraine headaches twice monthly.  I had endometriosis, cysts aplenty... I actually lost an ovary when I was younger than my daughter is today.  At that point in time, I begged the surgeon to perform a total hysterectomy because being a woman was more grief and pain than pleasure.  She refused adamantly... telling me I was too young and would change my mind.  And indeed, she was right.  It would have been a terrible loss if I had been unable to bring Freya into this world.

Nothing equals the power and magic of childbearing and nursing a child... NOTHING.  And yet, I would never deny any woman the right to determine what happens within her own body.  I do not believe ANY ONE and certainly not any male has the right to tell a woman she must have a child that somehow has been implanted against her wishes in her body.  It is not a question of morality.  It is simply that, it has to be the individual's ultimate right to determine... and that holds true as well for euthanasia.  How dare any one else force a person to exist in agony when there is no hope of any reprieve?  Dr. Kevorkian, to me, is one of the great men in history, a true hero. 

Death is not the worst fate... living in intolerable pain is far worse.

In Defence of Clutter

It is all the rage for the masses to rant against 'hoarders' and to attempt to shame individuals who collect things as they move along the path of life.  I find this new catchphrase not only judgmental but as absurd as any new cult or fashion.

When I was a little girl, one of my favourite places was a wonderful bookshop named 'John Cole's Book Shop'.  They had all the classics. They had a room where children could play, a rocking horse one could ride, other playthings that spoke eloquently of an idealised childhood.  What drew me back again and again, however, was a marvelous enormous antique desk with a multitude of cubbyholes and drawers, each crammed with tiny items that were for sale.  They had fur mice from Germany, both dressed and undressed.  Made of real fur, these little mice appeared real and the undressed ones held a kernel of dried corn in their hands.  The dressed ones ranged from bride and groom to chimney sweep.  They were adorable.

They had tiny nuts with ivory lids from India that when opened spilled out a tiny set of ivory elephants.  You still can find these, but no longer at John Cole's.

They had other treasures too numerous to list but nothing was expensive and one could find exotic items from every corner of the globe in that desk.

That desk represents my ideal even now.  I love clutter.  I love to go to a bookcase to find it crammed with books I love and in front of the books, to find my own life history and interests in concrete form. Whether it is a porcelain figurine or a carved wooden camel, a vase filled with dried flowers or a mohair miniature bear or rabbit.. As much as life itself, I personally abhor a vacuum and will fight to the death to keep my clutter, because it is my own life story.

Unfortunately, the tendency is to have large, empty spaces, homes that are devoid of soul, in my opinion.  Yes, the Japanese have perfected the art!  A single vase in which one flower abides at the end of a long empty corridor.  To me, that is interesting only for a moment.  How much more fascinating were the homes of my great aunts who had collected rare and curious items from their travels round the world!  I loved to visit my great aunts.  I loved to hear the tales of each miniature cup, each doll, each figurine.

The Lost Wonders of La Jolla

La Jolla never was anything other than middle class with quite a few upper middle class denizens, but now it has changed out of all recognition.

It has NOT changed for the better.  Nouveau Riche, immigrants who fled with their wealth when their old governments fell... few native Californians any longer apart from those who stayed, despite everything and kept their small beach cottages and rather unostentatious ranch homes in the Muirlands.  Land in La Jolla now is worth far more than the original homes that stood upon its land. Our home was an old historical beach cottage in the Barber Tract... from the garden, we could see a small sliver of the ocean and could walk to the beach in less than five minutes but many of the old views have been replaced by monstrous tasteless edifices built to inflate the egos of sports figures, film stars and politicians.  Most of these new residents do not live in La Jolla year round but have more than one residence in more than one city.  I despise all of them as well as the merchants who invaded our town like cockroaches to set up tourist traps in the place of our old rather modest but upscale shops.  Some of our childhood haunts still exist: Bowers and Warwicks still are to be found on Girard Avenue

Warwicks Book Shop Past and Present

The bastions of culture in my childhood were the old Library and the Athenaeum.  I believe the Library sadly no longer exists but the Athenaeum still stands proudly and my sister gives the occasional violin recital there.

UCSD was a new University when I was a child and it changed the entire fabric of society in La Jolla.  We brushed shoulders with giants in their various fields, including Linus Pauling, Jonas Salk and Herbert Marcuse.  My Mum enrolled in the new University and created a very exciting social life for herself in a rented house on S. Coast Boulevard next to the home of John Williams, a very dignified and elderly British actor.  He did not own his home either.   The charming but ramshackle trio of houses were owned by a very old ballet dancer whose name now escapes me.  He had a grand plan of selling the real estate ultimately for millions... meanwhile, we lived half a block from the Beach across from a rather wonderful home for the elderly named Casa Manana.  Our house was built on a hill and from the front room, we had an unobstructed view of the ocean where often we could watch the whales move past.

It was Herbert Marcuse who possibly impressed me the most as I was young, with a passion for justice and protest marches and incendiary speeches were our bread and butter.  My Mum took us to protest marches during a very exciting period in history.  It was a period when the police could and often were violent, even brutal and even in such a location as middle class La Jolla.  The older sister of a schoolmate was shot at Berkeley University during this time and became a sort of hero among the revolutionary student groups.

I attended Marcuse's lectures even though I was a very young girl and was inspired by them.  He spoke to me more than once after a lecture, probably because I was a total anomaly in terms of my age.

Here is a link to a little article about Marcuse:

Herbert Marcuse Life and Work

I cannot claim that at an age when my birthdays still were counted in single digits, I wholly comprehended Marcuse's writings or lectures, but he certainly did have a profound effect upon me.  It was heady stuff... just an example here:

'The performance principle, which is that of an acquisitive and antagonistic society in the process of constant expansion, presupposes a long development during which domination has been increasingly rationalised: control over social labour now reproduces society on a large scale and under improving conditions. For a long way, the interests of domination and the interests of the whole coincide: the profitable utilisation of the productive apparatus fulfils the needs and faculties of individuals. For the vast majority of the population, the scope and mode of satisfaction are determined by their own labour; but their labour is work for an apparatus which they do not control, which operates as an independent power to which individuals must submit if they want to live. And it becomes the more alien the more specialised the division of labour becomes. Men do not live their own lives but perform pre-established functions. While they work, they do not fulfil their own needs and faculties but work in alienation.' (Marcuse 1955: 45)

In other words, work in a capitalist society far transcends what is needed by the worker himself or herself and life then becomes devoted to the needs of the capitalist Master.  The worker's basic instincts and needs are repressed in order to attain goals that are alien to him or her and ultimately 'he desires what he is supposed to desire'.  This is the basic of rampant consumerism in our society where people work in order to purchase goods, not for their own benefit but for the benefit of the capitalist, often multinational corporations.  Marcuse dubbed the result the 'one-dimensional man'.

Marcuse was very interested in the power of Eros and firmly believed that it should be equal to Logos.  Sexuality and all the 'animal needs and desires' should not be repressed, nor sublimated in order to achieve greater wealth or other materialist goals but should hold equal sway with Logic in Life.  This is not a carte blanche declaration such as that of Aleister Crowley, his 'Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law' but like Crowley, he believed that the drive of Eros needed to be recognised and followed but within socially-responsible boundaries.

I am not a Communist but despite the failure of Communist experiments throughout the world, I continue to believe that, in certain grave situations, Communism is the ONLY solution, albeit a temporary phase that has to be outgrown once basic needs are met in that society.  Overpopulated nations where the majority of the population existed without adequate food, shelter, medical attention or education under the rule of an exploitive, irresponsible minority DEMAND Revolution and a temporary Communist structure to redress the balance and deliver equality where the basic needs are concerned.  The problem with most Communist experiments is the lack of a positive and speedy transition to another form of government.  It is a mistake, however, to declare that the entire world should be subjected to the same political philosophy and government.  Each nation has its own individual set of circumstances and needs.

Thus, when the West purports to deliver 'democracy' to the World, not only is this an extraordinary display of arrogance but it cannot work.  Furthermore, I fail to see true 'democracy' in those superpowers who are wielding the clumsy axe of invasion and occupation that is intended to save the people of another nation from its 'errors' or 'dictators' or whatever.

In all honesty, however, Marcuse was a mere footnote in my childhood.  The adult with the greatest influence in my life was Myrl Hendershott.  The Hendershotts were our best friends.  I never have met a more perfect embodiment of the ideal of the 'Renaissance Man' than Myrl.

He introduced me to the joys of Opera, to poetry by Rilke, inspiring me to read, read, and read, to constantly explore the wonders of every civilisation and culture.  He was a role model and kindred spirit in another way as well.  I graduated from school at an early age and went on to Uni at an early age... he had been subjected to the same experience, albeit at an age even younger than I.  Now society has learned not to place a child in the company of young adults, to further the sense of alienation that often is natural to the 'gifted'.  When I was in school, however, I always was at least three years younger than every one else in my class.  It was horrible and counter-productive.

Here is a link to the CV of one of the most incredible individuals I ever have known:

Myrl Hendershott

Myrl is both scientist and musician.  He played the Organ at a local church while teaching Oceanography at the Scripps Institute but he always was and is so much more.  My sister and I both were madly in love with him of course in those days, not only because of his incredible mind but because he always had time for every one and had a certain rather unassuming charm as well as a wonderful sense of humour.  My debt to Myrl, however, is the way he generated a hunger in my soul for the beauty of poetry and classical music, but especially opera.

This is Myrl as I knew him then:

(Above, Myrl Hendershott)

I have met and known many extraordinary individuals in the course of my life... many artists, writers, philosophers, film stars, musicians and political activists, inter alia, but as I wrote initially, Myrl is the consummate Renaissance Man.  John Gross, a very close and dear friend of mine when I lived in Manhattan, had a knowledge of literature that surpassed any one else I have known, but his knowledge of other subjects was not as comprehensive.  Myrl crossed the border between Humanities and Science effortlessly and constantly.

The Crown of the Martyr

As a child, I thought that Martyrdom was quite a logical end to Life.  It represented meaning rather than random Death.  It was the best punctuation for the end of the sentence of Existence on this Earth.  I always have been a deeply spiritual individual, although in time, I came to have little trust in organisations and the 'human' elements in any religion.  My own Faith is Roman Catholic, primarily because of the 'magic' of the Sacraments, and especially the belief in transubstantiation...  Whatever the priest may or may not be in his own time, he holds that incredible power to transform a wafer and a cup of wine into the Body and Blood of God!  The other reason I adhere somewhat to this Faith is the Blessed Virgin.  I do not trust any religion that does not place any Women in high regard. Motherhood is another form of Magic and the Blessed Virgin suffered almost as much as Christ, yielding to the necessity of the Ultimate Sacrifice of her Beloved Son.  That is no small achievement.  I doubt I could watch as my Child met a terrible torture and death!

At the same time, I am some one who has studied and followed the ancient Northern 'Pagan' traditions, who sees Odhinn in the same light as Christ, who has participated in the rites of Muharram and wept for Imam Hussayn.  I do believe there is more than one path to Wisdom and more than one path to find 'nearness to God' or as it is put in Arabic 'qurbatan ilallah'.

Martyrs are extraordinary of course.  I have nothing but admiration for the Martyrs for Palestine.   Martyrdom for a cause that is above and beyond any consideration of personal gain or profit is noble in theory.  The problem is that so often, Causes are controlled by dishonest individuals.  Martyrdom for Freedom from Occupation in Palestine is indeed laudable but who would benefit?  It is not the people of Palestine, but the often corrupt Leaders who purport to represent them who reap any rewards in these cases.  In most cases, it is the People who are punished as well, who carry the burden of the cost.

A childhood hero of mine was the Stuart King, Charles I of England.  He was a true Martyr, who did not falter nor seek mercy when he realised he would be executed by his enemies.  In my own imagination, I have lived through the drama again and again and wondered if I would show any courage or be a coward ultimately.  As people have declared over and over, it is impossible to know until one is tested.  Do I want a martyr's Crown?  It once was thought to be the ultimate goal for any one who had principles, but apart from anything else, the irony is that the older one grows, the less invested one is in sacrificing life for 'ideals'.  Yes, I still have ideals and I wish that the world were different, but what I see in the end is that martyrs for the most part die for a cause that has corrupt elements.  Their hearts are pure, but the cause is NOT pure.

For what or whom would I be willing to die now?  I suppose the answer to that is less clear than it once was.  Circumstances probably would dictate it entirely.  If my daughter's life were in question, I hope I would have the courage to give mine instead.  As far as my other heroes are concerned and their own sacrifices, Odhinn remains very high on the list, although, as a God, he did not perish despite the pain and suffering he offered in sacrifice.  To risk life for wisdom and the knowledge of other realities or worlds still to me is a worthy aim.  Unfortunately, although I suffer from severe chronic pain, that does not catapult nor draw me towards any real enlightenment or vision for the most part, except for one point in hospital when I believe I 'flatlined' briefly and had a very clear and detailed vision of Our Lady and Christ.  The message there, when I asked why one had to suffer so much pain was that pain is what gives us the ability to empathise with other creatures.  Fair enough.  It does make sense!