Dua Nur Kabeer, Source of Light

 Dua Nur Kabeer

In the Name of Allah, The Most Beneficent, The Most Merciful



اَللَّهُمَّ يَا نُوْرَ النُّوْرِ

 O Allah, O Light of the Lights! 

تَنَوَّرْتَ بِالنُّوْرِ وَالنُّوْرُ

 verily You illuminated Your Light through the light, and the light 

فِيْ نُوْرِ نُوْرِكَ يَا نُوْرُ

 is in the light of Your Light, O Light! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا عَزِيْزُ

O Allah, O All-Mighty! 

تَعَـزَّزْتَ بِالْعِـزَّةِ وَالْعِـزَّةُ 

 verily You expressed Your Might through the might, and the might 

 فِيْ عِـزَّةِ عِـزَّتِـكَ يَا عَـزِيْزُ 

 is in the might of Your Might, O all Mighty! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا جَلِيْلُ

 O Allah, O Majestic! 

تَجَلَلْتَ بِالْجَلَالِ

 verily You showed Your Majesty through the glory, 

وَالْجَلَالُ فِيْ جَلَالِ جَلَالِكَ

 and the glory is in the glory of Your Majesty, 

يَا جَلِيْلُ

O Majestic!   

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا وَهَّابُ   

 O Allah, O All-Bestower!   

 تَوَهَّبْتَ بِالْهِبَةِ وَالْهِبَةُ   

 verily You bestowed through the favour, and the favour 

  فِيْ هِبَةِ هِبَتِـكَ يَا وَهَّابُ   

 is in the favour of Your Bestowing, O All-Bestower! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا عَظِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O Greatest!   

تَعَظَّمْـتَ بِالْعَظَمَةِ وَالْعَظَمَةُ 

 verily You showed Your Greatness through the greatness, and the greatness

فِيْ عَظَمَةِ عَظَمَتِـكَ يَا عَظِيْمُ     

is in the greatness of Your Greatness, O Greatest! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا عَلِيْمُ   

O Allah, O All knowing!   

 تَعَلَمْـتَ بِالْعِلْمِ وَالْعِلْمُ 

 verily You spread Your Knowledge through the knowledge, and the knowledge 

  فِيْ عِلْمِ عِلْمِكَ يَا عَلِيْمُ 

 is in the knowledge of Your Knowledge, O All Knowing! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قُدُّوْسُ   

O Allah, O Most Holy!   

 تَقَدَّسْـتَ بِالْقُدْسِ وَالْقُدْسُ 

 verily You expressed Your Holiness through the holiness, and the holiness 

فِيْ قُدْسِ قُدْسِـكَ يَا قُدُّوْسُ 

 is in the holiness of Your Holiness, O Most Holy! 



 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا جَمِيْلُ 

 O Allah, O Most Beautiful!   

 تَجَمَّلْتَ بِالْجَمَالِ وَالْجَمَالُ 

verily You expressed Your Beauty through the beautifulness, and the beautifulness 

 فِيْ جَمَالِ جَمَالِكَ يَا جَمِيْلُ 

 is in the beautifulness of Your Beauty, O Most Beautiful! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا سَـلَامُ   

 O Allah, O Source of Peace!   

 تَسَـلَّمْـتَ بِالسَّلَامِ 

 verily You spread Your Peace through the peacefulness, 

 وَالسَّلَامُ فِيْ سَـلَامِ سَـلَامِكَ   

 and the peacefulness is in the peacefulness of Your Peace, 

  يَا سَـلَامُ 

O Source of Peace! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا صَـبُوْرُ   

 O Allah, O Most Patient!   

 تَصَـبَّـرْتَ بِالصَّبْرِ وَالصَّبْرُ   

 verily You expressed Your Patience through the patience, and the patience 

 فِيْ صَـبْرِ صَـبْرِكَ يَا صَـبُوْرُ   

 is in the patience of Your Forbearance, O Most Patient! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مَلِيْكُ 

 O Allah, O Ever-King!   

تَمَلَّكْتَ بِالْـمَـلَكُوْتِ وَالْـمَـلَكُوْتُ   

 verily You possessed Your authority through the sovereignty, and the sovereignty 

فِيْ مَلَكُوْتِ مَلَكُوْ تِـكَ يَا مَلِيْكُ   

 is in the sovereignty of Your Authority, O Ever-King! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَبُّ   

 O Allah, O Lord! 

  تَرَبَّيْتَ بِالرَّبُوْ بِيَّةِ 

 verily You expressed Your Lordship through the lordship,

 وَالرَّبُوْ بِيَّةُ فِيْ رَبُوْ بِيَّةِ   

 and the lordship is in the lordship

رَبُوْ بِيَّتِـكَ يَا رَبُّ 

of Your Lordship, O Lord! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مَنَّانُ 

 O Allah, O Benefactor! 

تَمَنَّنْتَ بِالْـمِنَّةِ وَالْـمِنَّةُ     

verily You benefacted through the favour, and the favour 

فِيْ مِنَّةِ مِنَّتِـكَ يَا مَنَّانُ   

 is in the favour of Your Benefaction, O Benefactor! 

اَللَهُمَّ يَا حَكِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O Most Wise!   

  تَحَكَّمْـتَ بِالْحِكْمَةِ وَالْحِكْمَةُ   

 verily You showed Your Wisdom through the wisdom, and the wisdom 

فِيْ حِكْمَةِ حِكْمَتِـكَ يَا حَكِيْمُ   

 is in the wisdom of Your Wisdom, O Most Wise! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا حَمِيْدُ   

O Allah, O All-Praiseworthy! 

  تَحَمَّدْتَ بِالْحَمْدِ وَالْحَمْدُ   

 verily You expressed Your Praiseworthiness through the praise, and the praise 

 فِيْ حَمْدِ حَمْدِكَ يَا حَمِيْدُ   

is in the praise of Your Praisewothiness, O All-Praiseworthy! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا وَاحِـدُ   

 O Allah, O The One! 

  تَوَحَّدْتَ بِالْوَحْـدَانِيَّةِ   

 verily You expressed Your unity through the oneness, 

  وَالْوَحْـدَانِيَّةُ فِيْ وَحْـدَانِيَّةِ   

 and the oneness is in the oneness 

 وَحْـدَانِيَّتِـكَ يَا وَاحِـدُ   

 of Your unity, O The One! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَرْدُ   

 O Allah, O Unique!

 تَفَرَّدْتَ بِالْفَرْدَانِيَّةِ     

 verily You showed Your Uniqueness through the uniqueness,

وَالْفَرْدَانِيَّةُ فِيْ فَرْدَانِيَّةِ   

and the uniqueness is in the uniqueness 

فَرْدَانِيَّتِـكَ يَا فَرْدُ   

 of Your Uniqueness, O Unique! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا حَلِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O All-Forbearing! 

تَحَلَّمْـتَ بِالْحِلْمِ وَالْحِلْمُ   

 verily You expressed Your forbearance through the forbearing, and the forbearing 

  فِيْ حِلْمِ حِلْمِكَ يَا حَلِيْمُ   

 is in the forbearing of Your Forbearance, O All-Forbearing! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَدِيْرُ   

 O Allah, O All-Capable! 

 تَقَدَّرْتَ بِالْقُدْرَةِ وَالْقُدْرَةُ     

 verily You expressed Your Capability through the capacity, and the capacity 

 فِيْ قُدْرَةِ قُدْرَتِـكَ يَا قَدِيْرُ   

 is in the capacity of Your Capability, O All-Capable!

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَدِيْمُ   

O Allah, O Eternal! 

 تَقَدَّمْتَ بِالْقِدَمِ وَالْقِدَمُ   

verily You existed eternally through the eternity, and the eternity   

  فِيْ قِدَمِ قِدَمِكَ يَا قَدِيْمُ 

is in the eternity of Your Eternal existence, O Eternal! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا شَاهِدُ   

 O Allah, O Witness! 

تَشَهَّدْتَ بِالشَّهَادَةِ وَالشَّهَادَةُ   

 verily You Witnessed through the testimony, and the testimony 

فِيْ شَهَادَةِ شَهَادَتِـكَ يَا شَاهِدُ   

is in the testimony of Your Testimony, O Witness! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَرِ يْبُ 

 O Allah, O Nearest! 

  تَقَرَّبْتَ بِالْقُرْبِ وَالْقُرْبُ   

verily You showed Your Nearness through the proximity, and the proximity 

فِيْ قُرْبِ قُرْبِكَ يَا قَرِيْبُ   

 is in the proximity of Your Nearness, O Nearest! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا نَصِـيْرُ   

 O Allah, O Helper!

 تَنَصَّرْتَ بِالنُّصْـرَةِ وَالنُّصْـرَةُ   

 verily You Helped through the support, and the support 

فِيْ نُصْـرَةِ نُصْـرَتِـكَ يَا نَصِـيْرُ   

 is in the support of Your Help, O Helper! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا سَـتَّارُ 

 O Allah, O Concealer! 

 تَسَـتَّرْتَ بِالسَّتْرِ وَالسَّتْرُ 

 verily You Concealed through the concealing, and the concealing 

 فِيْ سَـتْرِ سَـتْرِكَ يَا سَـتَّارُ   

 is in the concealing of Your Concealing, O Concealer!

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا قَهَّارُ   

 O Allah, O All-Dominator!

تَقَهَّرْتَ بِالْقَهْـرِ وَالْقَهْـرُ   

 verily You Dominated through the dominance, and the dominance 

 فِيْ قَهْـرِ قَهْـرِكَ يَا قَهَّارُ 

 is in the dominance of Your Domination, O All-Dominator! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَازِقُ   

 O Allah, O Best Provider! 

 تَرَزَّقْتَ بِالرِّزْقِ وَالرِّزْقُ   

 verily You Provided through the providence, and the providence 

 فِيْ رِزْقِ رِزْقِكَ يَا رَزَّاقُ   

 is in the providence of Your Providing, O Best Provider! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا خَالِقُ 

 O Allah, O Creator! 

 تَخَلَّقْتَ بِالْخَلْقِ وَالْخَلْقُ 

                                                                                       verily You created through the creating, and the creating 

 فِيْ خَلْقِ خَلْقِكَ يَا خَلَّاقُ 

 is in the creating of Your Creation, O Creator! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَتَّاحُ   

 O Allah, O ultimate Revealer! 

 تَفَتَّحْـتَ بِالْفَتْحِ وَالْفَتْحُ   

 verily You revealed through the revelation, and the revelation 

  فِيْ فَتْحِ فَتْحِـكَ يَا فَتَّاحُ 

is in the revelation of Your Revealing, O ultimate Revealer! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَفِيْعُ   

 O Allah, O greatest Elevator! 

  تَرَفَّعْـتَ بِالرِّفْعَةِ وَالرِّفْعَةُ 

verily You Elevated through the uplifting, and the uplifting 

  فِيْ رِفْعَةِ رِفْعَتِـكَ يَا رَفِيْعُ 

 is in the uplifting of Your Elevation, O greatest Elevator! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا حَـفِيْظُ   

 O Allah, O Best Guardian! 

 تَحَـفَّظْتَ بِالْحِـفْظِ وَالْحِـفْظُ   

 verily You guarded through the guardiance, and the guardiance 

فِيْ حِـفْظِ حِـفْظِكَ يَا حَـفِيْظُ 

 is in the guardiance of Your Guardianship, O Best Guardian! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَاضِـلُ 

 O Allah, O Gracious! 

  تَفَضَـلْتَ بِالْفَضْـلِ وَالْفَضْـلُ 

 Verily You bestowed Your Grace through the grace, and the grace 

 فِيْ فَضْـلِ فَضْـلِكَ يَا فَاضِـلُ 

 is in the grace of Your Grace, O Gracious! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا وَاصِـلُ 

 O Allah, O Communicator! 

تَوَصَّلْتَ بِالْوَصْـلِ وَالْوَصْـلُ   

 verily You communicated through the communication, and the communication 

فِيْ وَصْـلِ وَصْـلِكَ يَا وَاصِـلُ   

 is in the communication of Your communication, O Communicator!

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَاعِلُ   

O Allah, O Executor!   

تَفَعَّلْتَ بِالْفِعْلِ وَالْفِعْلُ   

 verily You executed through the action, and the action   

 فِيْ فِعْلِ فِعْلِكَ يَا فَاعِلُ   

is in the action of Your Execution, O Executor! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا فَارِضُ   

O Allah, O Imposer! 

تَفَرَّضْـتَ بِالْفَرْضِ وَالْفَرْضُ   

 verily You Imposed through the obligation, and the obligation 

  فِيْ فَرْضِ فَرْضِـكَ يَا فَارِضُ 

 is under the obligation of Your Imposition, O Imposer! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا غَفَّارُ 

 O Allah, O All-Forgiving! 

 تَغَفَّرْتَ بِالْـمَغْفِرَةِ وَالْـمَغْفِرَةُ   

 verily You Forgave through the pardon, and the pardon 

فِيْ مَغْفِرَةِ مَغْفِرَتِـكَ يَا غَفَّارُ   

 is in the pardon of Your forgiveness, O All-Forgiving! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا جَـبَّارُ   

 O Allah, O All-Compelling! 

تَجَـبَّرْتَ بِالْجَـبَرُوْتِ   

 verily You Compelled through the might, 

 وَالْجَـبَرُوْتُ فِيْ جَـبَرُوْتِ 

                                                                                                            and the might is in the might 

جَـبَرُوْتِـكَ يَا جَـبَّارُ 

 of Your Might, O All-Compelling! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا سَـمِيْعُ   

 O Allah, O All-Hearing! 

 تَسَـمَّعْتَ بِالسَّمْعِ وَالسَّمْعُ 

verily You heard through the hearing, and the hearing   

فِيْ سَـمْعِ سَـمْعِـكَ يَا سَـمِيْعُ   

 is in the hearing of Your awareness, O All-Hearing! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا كَبِيْرُ   

 O Allah, O Greatest! 

تَكَبَّرْتَ بِالْكِبْرِيَآءِ     

 verily You showed Your Greatness through the greatness, 

وَالْكِبْرِيَآءُ فِيْ كِبْرِيَآءِ   

 and the greatness is in the greatness 

 كِبْرِيَآئِكَ يَا كَبِيْرُ   

of Your Greatness, O Greatest! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا كَرِ يْمُ   

 O Allah, O Most Generous! 

 تَكَرَّمْتَ بِالْكَرَمِ وَالْكَرَمُ 

 verily You Bestowed Your Generosity through the generosity, and the generosity 

 فِيْ كَرَمِ كَرَمِكَ يَا كَرِ يْمُ 

 is in the generosity of Your Generosity, O Most Generous!

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا رَحِيْمُ   

 O Allah, O Most Merciful! 

 تَرَحَّمْتَ بِالرَّحْمَةِ وَالرَّحْمُ   

verily You bestowed Your Mercy through the mercy, and the mercy   

 فِيْ رَحْمِ رَحْـمِكَ يَا رَحِـيْمُ 

 is in the mercy of Your Mercifulness, O Most Merciful! 

 اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مَجِيْدُ 

 O Allah, O All-Glorious! 

 تَمَجَّـدْتَ بِالْـمَجْـدِ وَالْـمَجْـدُ 

 verily You showed Your Glory through the glory, and the glory 

فِيْ مَجْـدِ مَجْـدِكَ يَا مَجِيْدُ 

 is in the glory of Your Glory, O All-Glorious! 

اَللَّهُمَّ يَا مُجِيْبُ 

O Allah, O Responder!

يَا اللهُ  يَارَحْمٰـنُ  يَارَحِيْمُ 

O Lord! O Most Beneficent! O Most Merciful!

يَا حَيُّ يَا حَلِيْمُ 

O Ever living! O Forbearing One!

 يَا عَزِ يْزُ يَا نُوْرَالنُّوْرِ 

O Mighty! O Light of the lights!

يَا لَا اِلٰهَ اِلَّا

O there is no God save Him.

هُوَ عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ

On Him I rely,

وَهُوَ رَبُّ الْعَـرْشِ الْعَظِيْمِ 

and He is the Lord of the great throne.

اَلْحَمْدُ  ِللهِ الْوَهَّابِ

All praise is for Allah, The All-Bestower.

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَجِيْدِ سُـبْحَانَ الصَّبُوْرِ         

Glory be to The Glorious, Glory be to The Most Patient,

سُـبْحَانَ الْبَصِـيْرِ سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَانِعِ     

Glory be to The All Seeing, Glory be to The Preventer,

سُـبْحَانَ الْقَيُّوْمِ سٌـبْحَانَ الْبَرِّ     

Glory be to The Self Subsisting, Glory be to The Source of All Goodness,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُعَافِيْ سُـبْحَانَ اْلأَوَّلِ   

Glory be to The Pardoner, Glory be to The (very) First,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُعِـزِّ سُـبْحَانَ الظَاهِرِ 

Glory be to The Honourer, Glory be to The Evident,

سُـبْحَانَ الشَّافِيْ سُـبْحَانَ الْكَافِيْ     

Glory be to The Healer, Glory be to The Sufficient,

سُـبْحَانَ السَّلَامِ سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُؤْمِنِ   

Glory be to The Source of Peace,  Glory be to The Giver of Tranquility,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُهَيْمِنِ سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُصَـوِّرِ     

Glory be to The Protector, Glory be to The Fashioner,

سُـبْحَانَ النَّاصِـرِ سُـبْحَانَ الْوَاحِدِ       

Glory be to The Helper, Glory be to The One,

سُـبْحَانَ اْلأَحَدِ سُـبْحَانَ الْفَرْدِ 

Glory be to The Sole One, Glory be to The Unique,

سُـبْحَانَ الرَّحِيْمِ  سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُؤَخِّرِ   

Glory be to The Most Merciful, Glory be to The Delayer,

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُقَدِّم سُـبْحَانَ الضَّآرِّ   

Glory be to The Expeditor, Glory be to The Chastiser,

سُـبْحَانَ النُّوْرِ سُـبْحَانَ الْهَادِيْ   

Glory be to The Light, Glory be to The Guide,   

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمُقَدِّر سُـبْحَانَ الْجَلِيْلِ   

Glory be to The Determiner Of Destiny. Glory be to The Majestic,

 سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَجِيْدِ سُـبْحَانَ الرَّقِيْبِ   

Glory be to The Glorious, Glory be to The All-Watchful,

سُـبْحَانَ اللهِ وَالْحَمْدُ ِللهِ   

Glory be to Allah, and all praise be to Allah,

وَلآ اِلٰهَ إلاَّ اللهُ وَاللهُ اَكْبَرُ   

and there is no God save Allah, and Allah is the Greatest.

وَلَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ   

and there is neither strength nor any power 

اِلَّا بِاللهِ الْعَلِيِّ الْعَظِيْمِ   

except with Allah, the Most High, the Greatest.

سُـبْحَانَ مَنْ يَّشَآءُ بِقُدْرَتِهٖ     

Glory be to the One who wills, through (His) power

وَيَعْلَمُ مَا يُرِيْدُ بِعِـزَّتِهٖ   

And He knows what He desires through His Might

 سُـبْحَانَ اللهِ وَبِحَمْدِهٖ 

Glory be to Allah and praise be to him

سُـبْحَانَ ذِي الْعَـرْشِ الْعَظِيْمِ   

Glory be to the possessor of the great throne

وَالْهَيْبَةِ وَالْقُدْرَةِ   

And the possessor of the awe, the power, 

وَالْكِبْرِيَآءِ وَالْجَبَرُوْتِ   

the greatness and the might 

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَلِكِ الْـمَقْصُـوْدِ   

Glory be to The King who is approached 

سُـبْحَانَ الْـمَلِكِ الْـمَوْجُوْدِ   

Glory be to The King who exists

سُـبْحَانَ الْحَيِّ الْحَكِيْمِ   

Glory be to The Ever-Living, the All Wise   

سُـبْحَانَ اللهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ عَلَى الْحَيِّ   

Glory be to Allah, on Whom I rely, the Ever-living,     

الَّذِيْ لَا يَمُوْتُ   

the one who does not die,   

سُـبُّوْحٌ قُدُّوْسٌ     

The Most Glorious, The Most Holy   

 رَبُّ الْـمَلٰئِكَةِ وَالرُّوْحِ     

The Lord of the angels and the spirit   

لآ اِلٰهَ إِلَّااللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَـرِيْكَ لَهُ   

There is no God except Allah, He alone, who has no partner 

لَهُ الْـمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ   

To Him belongs the kingdom, and to Him is all praise, 

وَهُوَ عَلٰى كُلِّ شَـيْءٍ قَدِيْرٌ   

and He has power over all things

يَااَللهُ   يَارَحْمٰـنُ   يَارَحِيْمُ 

O Allah! O the Most beneficent! O the Most Merciful! 

يَاحَيُّ  يَاقَيُّوْمُ     

O Ever-Living! O Self-Subsisting!     

يَاذَا الْجَلَالِ وَالْإكْرَامِ   

O Lord of Majesty and Generosity! 

  يَا نُوْرَ السَّمَوَاتِ وَ ا ْلأَرْضِ       

O Light of the heavens and the earth! 

يَا لَا اِلٰهَ إِلَّا أَنْتَ عَلَيْكَ تَوَكَّلْتُ     

O there is no Allah but You, on You I rely! 

 أَنْتَ رَبُّ الْعَـرْشِ الْعَظِيْمِ 

You are the Lord of the great throne 

اَللّٰهُمَّ اغْفِرْ لِيْ بِحُـرْمَةِ هٰذِهِ ا ْلأَسْـمَآءِ     

Oh Allah, forgive me by the sanctity of these Names   

وَاصْـرِفْ عَنِّي الضَّرَّآءَ وَالْبَلآءَ         

And avert from me the harm and the tribulations,

وَالْهُمُوْمَ وَ الْغُمُوْمَ وَجَمِيْعَ ا ْلاٰفَاتِ   

and the worries and the griefs and all the calamities 

 وَمِنْ أَوْلَادِيْ وَ اٰبَآئِيْ وَ أُمَّهَاتِيْ وَ أَقْرِبَآئِيْ 

And from my children, and my fathers and my mothers, and my relatives   

وَعَشِـيْرَتِيْ فَاِنَّ عَلَيْكَ فِيْ جَمِيْعِ ا ْلأُمُوْرِ اعْتِمَادِيْ     

And my tribe, so for sure I have depended on you in all my affairs   

وَالصَّلٰوةُ وَالسَّلَامُ عَلٰى خَيْرِ خَلْقِهٖ   

Blessings and peace be upon the best of His creations,   

مُحَمَّدٍ وَ اٰلِهٖ اَجْمَعِـيْنَ   

Muhammed and all his progeny.

 بِرَحْمَتِـكَ يَا اَرْحَمَ الرَّاحِمِيْـنَ  ـ 

By Your Mercy, O the Most Merciful of those who show mercy.

In Defiance of Cancer

I lost one of my childhood friends (and one of my first sweethearts) to cancer last year.  Stupidly, he would not speak to me because of a POLITICAL disagreement.  He always was absurdly rigid and stubborn, but of course I grieve for the boy he was, the boy who was my companion and friend at a time when I was a young girl who was 'different' and 'eccentric' and placed in a category in schools that instantly placed a target on my back...  So there were many who never bothered to find out what sort of person I actually was, simply because I had been branded as 'gifted'.

We find out whether we are cowards or not when faced with our deepest fears... and it is not fear that makes one a coward but the act of trying to run from that fear rather than facing it.  My daughter asked me to design a tattoo for her in calligraphy: Conquer Your Fears.  She had it placed on her wrist precisely because she had a phobia about being cut on that part of her body.  Brave warrior woman, my Freya.

Now, facing my worst fear, because my Mother had breast cancer when she was 42 and they stripped her of her flesh to the point where she could not stand the sight of her own body, while my sister and I witnessed her transformation and I know feared, both of us, that it was our own future there in front of our eyes....

Every one says it is a different world now, but I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and they say I will lose the breast... whatever they claim will or will not be at this point is simply speculation.  It is only AFTER I go under and they cut me open that they will decide what can be saved and what must be lost.  So yes, I am not calmed by the platitudes and positive affirmations from the medical profession because written beneath each claim is the uncertainty, the disclaimer that none of it can be guaranteed.

It is curious but I am more concerned about the mental welfare of my daughter now than anything else.  Remembering how my Mum's fate affected me, casting a dark shadow over my very identity as a woman, any pleasure I might have had in being a woman, any joy in my femininity... I want my daughter to have a different vision.  I want her to see that everything is, if not good, acceptable, viable... I want her to live outside this terrible spectre that darkened most of my adult life.

We can try to erase elements of our psyche, but our childhoods remain in the bone, as it were... it is not erasure, but methods of coping that have to be set into place.

What is 'Cancer' anyway?  It is not one disease, but a thousand different diseases, and all have been gathered under the umbrella of the 'BIG C', an expression I absolutely loathe.  The enemy is given strength and enhanced by this grouping, like the army of Sauron.  Why do we do this?  God only knows...  When one is told one has cancer, one simply PANICS because many of these dreadful diseases are fatal.  In fact, why isn't one told instantly what specific disease one has???

When I did a bit of research on Cancer long ago, I instantly recognised one aspect of it:  It is not Death, but rather Life run Amok... it is the life in specific cells taking on greedy desire to grow, to multiply, to take over...

I have had less than a fortnight to come to grips with the enemy in my own body, with the interloper that is trying to possess and expand its territory.  The great irony is that it is based on the very hormones that gave me the ability to have a child and nurse that beautiful child.  If I had a choice now to make a deal with the Devil as it were:  Don't have a child and you won't be inflicted with this Cancer!  or 'Have your child and be inflicted with Cancer!'... I would not hesitate.  Having my daughter was the most brilliant and magical experience of my life and being able to nurse her was incredibly beautiful and empowering for me. 

The joy in being a woman ALWAYS was diminished by pain in my own life.  I had a terrible cycle, punctuated by cluster migraine headaches twice monthly.  I had endometriosis, cysts aplenty... I actually lost an ovary when I was younger than my daughter is today.  At that point in time, I begged the surgeon to perform a total hysterectomy because being a woman was more grief and pain than pleasure.  She refused adamantly... telling me I was too young and would change my mind.  And indeed, she was right.  It would have been a terrible loss if I had been unable to bring Freya into this world.

Nothing equals the power and magic of childbearing and nursing a child... NOTHING.  And yet, I would never deny any woman the right to determine what happens within her own body.  I do not believe ANY ONE and certainly not any male has the right to tell a woman she must have a child that somehow has been implanted against her wishes in her body.  It is not a question of morality.  It is simply that, it has to be the individual's ultimate right to determine... and that holds true as well for euthanasia.  How dare any one else force a person to exist in agony when there is no hope of any reprieve?  Dr. Kevorkian, to me, is one of the great men in history, a true hero. 

Death is not the worst fate... living in intolerable pain is far worse.