Dealing with Death and Grief

(Above, the Sumerian Goddess, Inanna, who took matters into her own hands, and voluntarily made the terrifying descent into the Underworld, to communicate and negotiate with Death and ultimately RETURN to Life.  It actually is far more complex and sophisticated a tale, and deserves more than a brief mention.)

(Above, Christ on the Cross with his Mother, Our Lady as witness to his pain, his agony, and his Death... and ultimately, his Resurrection from the Cave.  According to Christianity, Jesus is God become Man, who was born, died, and rose from the Dead.)

The Great God Odhinn hanged himself from the World Tree, in his pursuit of Wisdom, plucked out his own eye and threw it into the Well beneath the World Tree, to be able to see other worlds.  It is the tale of Baldr, his son, however, that belongs to the tradition of ancient mystery religions.  Baldr, God of Light, was slain accidentally by his blind brother, Hodur, using a spring of mistletoe, after all other living things had sworn never to harm him.  The mistletoe, as a parasite, had not been addressed, and the dart killed him.  ALL living things were required to weep for him as the price of his liberation from Death, but Loki refused and thus, this is a tale of failed resurrection.)

(Attis and Dionysus as well as other mystery gods suffered death associated with a Tree and were reborn.  This evergreen grows on the site of ancient Carthage and I recognised it at once as a symbol of Attis and took this photoraph.)

First of all, this is a post in progress.  I always have the habit, probably a very bad one, of publishing as I write on the internet.  The internet is such a fluid medium, so very different from a written journal or book, that I feel it is a medium that allows a free flow of words, of thoughts, and of ideas, in a way that other media restricts.  The danger, of course, is that many people mistake 'free' for 'unbridled' and much hurt can be done by declarations and postings made without thought of how they affect other people.   We see it every day.  I have 'met' thousands of people in my capacity as a writer of strategy guides for games and, through the decades, have discovered that often people do not really consider the fact that 'virtual realities' and 'virtual forums' still are comprised of REAL people.

Dealing with Death and Grief
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I never was a member of a 'Grief Group', nor have I been much of a fan of 'self-help' books. I did study and teach Comparative Mythology as well a making a lifelong study of religion and spirituality, and at the end of the day, I think as human beings, we have some very fundamental responses to Death and Loss.  Grief is only one aspect of that.

The worst part of Death for the survivors is LOSS.  The loss of a loved one is something that never entirely loses its sting, despite the beautiful words of the old hymn, 'Abide with Me'.  'Death, where is thy sting?  Where, grave thy victory?'  The response to that comes later.

First, though, when some one we love dies, we experience a terrible Loss, and it is natural that all of the tears, day after day, should be mingled with anger.  Yes, one is angry that some one we loved is no longer with us HERE.  We cannot have a conversation with him or her, hug or kiss the loved one, create new memories... apart from that, if the loved one experienced a hard death, an ending that was burdened by terrible pain, sometimes we are angry about that, whatever our religion or philosophy and however strong our Faith, if we have one.

That is all very natural.  I am angry about my own physical condition, about the cancer, about the damage to my spine that prevents me from doing so many things I loved and long to do again, about the possibility that a sword hangs over my own head, but most of all, the fact that severe pain marks every moment of every day, even dragging me from what little sleep I have to remind me that, beyond any family member, beyond any loved Pet, PAIN is my constant companion, an unwanted spouse, as it were, demanding attention.

Anger, however, is a destructive emotion.  Why should we allow Anger to further destroy our lives?  It is not easy by any means.  Every day, however, I must dissolve that anger and replace it with Love.  Raging against the heavens is counterproductive.  We are not Gods.  We do not control the Universe, and being angry about that lack of control does not change the reality.  This life is filled with sorrow, loss, and pain, but it contains great beauty, and joy, and wonder.

Furthermore, to wish that a loved one had not died in many cases is selfish, because, if that individual suffered greatly, if quality of life had diminished to a point of no return, it is better to let the beloved surrender to Death.  Death is, at the very least, an END TO PAIN AND
SUFFERING.  Keats wrote: 'I have been half in love with easeful Death.'  Swinburne wrote:  'For there is no god found stronger than Death and Death is a Sleep.'  In Keats' case, it was not some fanciful Romantic notion about Death but the horrible disease, Tuberculosis, that gave me a longing to escape the fetters of his physical reality, to bid farewell to a world that promised only more pain and very little hope of true healing.

'Darkling, I listen, and for many a time, I have been half in love with easeful death'.  Keats' 'Ode to a Nightingale' is a beautiful poem, which is why it still is known by people of all generations when so many of the Classics are ignored.

Swinburne was far more complex in his attitudes towards Life and Death.  He declared often that he wished to die young, and yet, he lived to a very old age!  I almost died when I was younger than my daughter is now.  An emergency surgical operation saved my life, and yet, I had been misdiagnosed for over a year and I knew, in my heart that something was very wrong... but the various specialists focused, not on my entire body, but only on the area of their own expertise.  Thank God I found a doctor who acted immediately, but my mindset changed, and I never thought I would live beyond the age of 30.  Like Swinburne, I was very wrong about that!

Now for Faith...

The Holy Qur'an states again and again that God hates hypocrisy and hypocrites above all else.  Muslims recognise the fact that we ALL are hypocrites to some extent.  There is a verse in the Surah Yassin, recited on the occasion of any death that asks, 'Why should we be afraid to meet the One who created us?'  To me, that struck a chord.  Whatever our religion, if it includes the concept of an afterlife, then we should not fear Death and beyond that, actually should be happy when a loved one dies, because, according to our Faith, it is the end only of the body and not of the soul, and, in so many cases, that body has been ravaged by illness, pain and sorrow.

It is this that makes us all hypocrites to some extent.  We have our various Faiths, but at the end of the day, it is difficult to surrender to the reality of Death and Loss.

Christianity offers a very positive message about Death, as did many of the old pagan mystery religions.  The very example of a God who takes human form and willingly submits to being sacrificed, to accept Death, with the hope and/or reality of being Resurrected or Reborn, cannot be clearer to believers.  The message, recited in the Creed, at every Mass by Catholics, by Anglicans and Lutherans, I think, at least, is: Christ was born, died, was buried and was resurrected from the Dead, and that promise of Rebirth or Resurrection was given to every one who believes.  Similar examples and promises exist in most of the ancient mystery religions.

In fact, Nature herself gives us constant examples of the fact that NOTHING wholly dies or is lost.  The plant that appears to die in the Winter emerges from the Darkness in the Spring, or if it dies, it has produced seeds that are born in the Darkness and ultimately continue the endless cycle.  It is a CIRCLE OF LIFE, not a dead end.

Positive Responses to Death
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It is a struggle to create and hold fast to anything positive when the Death of a loved one hurts so much and the heart aches constantly.  I was crying every day months before the actual death of my Mother, and although I recognise that her suffering has ended, and actually felt her presence rather strongly after her death, the tears come unexpectedly and repeatedly.

'If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.'

Emily Dickenson

From the 'Book of M'
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My Mum was a woman of declarations.  Since I was a child, she claimed to have an 'audio problem' which was her excuse I think for not paying attention or listening when OTHER people talked, when she was young.  As she advanced into old age, it became a real problem requiring hearing aids, which she called 'her ears'.  'Let me put on my ears' she would say.


There were certain words she was unable to pronounce correctly and they became part of an M Dictionary ultimately.  Statistics was one.  She always said, 'Stastistics'. 

This is a work in progress, but I am going to try to include as many of her unique declarations and idiosyncrasies as possible.  I did keep notes back in the day, but that was in the pre-computer era when paper that was stored in the garage often was destroyed by one or more of the forces of Nature over the years.

I inherited my Mum's love of wildflowers and although I think most of our neighbours on Olivetas liked her and either simply tolerated or were resigned to her perspective, it did cause the occasional comment.  Like M, I love Morning Glories, which, coincidentally have been assigned to the month of September when both my sister and myself were born.  Many people consider them invasive... I have had my own battles in other places where, if I did not rescue them quickly enough from their homes twining round telephone poles or the back of fences, neighbours would destroy them.  Nasturtiums were another favourite of hers.  I am partial myself to the pink, purple and blue flowers above oranges, reds and yellows, but I have planted nasturtiums in my garden as well in the past, because every flower has its own season and the yellows, reds and oranges must succeed the white, blue, purple and pinks of Spring in many climates.

Like M, rather than plucking out a wayward flower or seedling brought by birds from time to time, I would be delighted and surprised by the addition.  She did tell me there were some half-hearted complaints about some of the Trees that grew in the back garden in La Jolla, but she would declare: 'God planted that Tree in my garden!'

I personally love Trees.  Living in big cities like Los Angeles, London and Manhattan in my youth, I longed for a little plot where I could plant Tree and flowers and nurture them.  It was only when my daughter was born that I really created a garden of my own and it included all of the 'sacred' trees: Oak, Ash, Thorn, Birch, Rowan, and various evergreens... all the Trees of Tolkien and classical literature.  I still lived in an urban location but one with a small garden and, where neighbours were busy chopping down and uprooting trees to replace them with cement or stone, I created a little forest that provided beauty as well as privacy and shade.