I now have a great deal of personal experience here. It was not an area of expertise I would have chosen, and as the sociopaths were individuals I actually loved or cared about deeply, the interactions have proved to be very painful. For a sociopath is incapable of empathy or even of perceiving other human beings as equals. Certainly they will satisfy their own needs and desires without ever giving others a second thought. The ones I have known were considered to be ‘gifted’ as children and this gave them a sense of entitlement and somehow deserving more than ordinary people.
After beginning these notes, I found that some one recently shared an article from the New York Times purporting to have written by a psychiatrist who is a sociopath about her failuress as a wife and mother. To me, the entire premise of disclosure for any purpose other than notoriety is bogus. A sociopath never is sorry, nor interested in making amends. What does interest them is manipulation of the audience.
To return to the past, and the chrysalis of the sociopaths I have known, I really believe that the gifted programme was pivotal in setting the format for their prceptions of Self.
I was one of those ‘gifted’ students as well, and I was arrogant and careless with the feelings of others to some extent when I was young. I was bullied and mocked a little for being different and for being two to three years younger than every one else in my classes. I could have become embittered and sadistic if I had obsessed upon that too much. I could have taken any opportunity for revenge, I suppose, and made people feel misearable, helpless and small. I could have embraced all of the old ‘Seven Deadly Sins’ and had a rather evil existence. The fact is that I awakened one day and recognised that I really did not like to hurt other people, but this was not the critical realisation.
My epiphany was based on my own need to heal myself from the damage caused by trauma and old wounds. The only way to do that wascby understanding why the people who had hurt me had done so. What motivated them? I had to learn how to put myself in the skin of another human being to solve the question. Once I understood what motivated the action that hurt me badly, I could move on. In many cases, I found that the system of victimisation or sadistic behaviour was not really personal or specific to me. In some cases, it was caused by insecurity, as so often is the case when a child bullies another. It can be part of the herd mentality or simply protective colouring. Go along with the crowd and join in the taunting or teasing because you do not want to be a target yourself. That is kind of normal really.
We were resented at school by many who otherwise might have become friends because we were culled from the group and placed in exclusive very small groups based on I.Q. When my daughter went to school, I was very happy that this awful practice had been discontinued.
Part of education is socialisation. I skipped three grades to graduate at the age of 15. There was nothing normal about that, and I think part of the reason I hated school so much was because my age and the lack of continuity with a single year group alienated me from almost every one.
What was less forgiveqble than the responses of my peers was the attitude of the teachers towards me. I was treated with kid gloves. My teachers generally behaved as though my intelligence intimidated them. I challenged them constantly by inventing sources and creating quotes in languages I had invented. I wrote an entire poem in Medieval French for my French class. I inserted fake ‘memoirs’ into my essays for History classes. Why did no one take me to task? Why did no one slap me down for my nonsense? The only things I needed from education were socialisation and discipline. I was given neither. Almost everything I ever learned was from books that I read. One can read books at home.
I desperately wanted some kind of real friendship and acceptance. The closest I came to that was by creating the Motley Crew, an acting company that was formed to convince my mother that we were not children having fun, which she would have not allowed, but young artists who were pursuing a serious academic aim. As my own classmates were three years older than I, I cast my sights on my sibling’s class, as they were closer to my age. We wrote a play after asking each potential member what character he or she wished to play. It was kind of a wonderful concept. It is really a pity that two members of our group became sociopaths and I therefore really no longer have any genuine connection with either. Another who probably was my best friend has died of cancer.
The only girlfriends I had, with one notable exception in Vivienne, hit on me, and not having either experience or encouragement in dealing with affection or infatuation from members of my own gender, their advances soured our friendship. One of those friends later committed suicide. I lost contact with the other girl who was from Germany, and I do regret that.
I only gradually recognised the sociopaths in my life. One really does not want to believe they exist in everyday situations. Hannibal Lector is not the neighbour who lives down the road ordinarily, although I did discover that a man who killed his girlfriend, then cooked her head in a pot and ate it had been a neighbour of mine in the East Village in Manhattan.
More later. My hand is cramping badly now. It truly amazes me that the sociopaths I know, rather than showing compassion for me as a disabled woman, had the scent of blood in their nostrils, and a mentality of ‘survival of the fittest’. In their view, I deserve nothing because they are so much stronger physically and more mobile. They are not more intelligent by any means, and that could be another reason they want to bring me down, because I actually am an equal, and they refuse to acknowledge that. God forbid there are people who remind them they are not as unique and soecial,as they think. King and Queen of their Dung Heaps is how I look at it. Oh yes, they are richer than I and always will be, and some of those assets have been stolen from me. One of them told me in so many words that as I owned ‘no assets of significant value’, I should surrender control of my share to her borderline criminal partner. The other one expected me to roll over, allowing him to act as Trustee of any assets I ultimately acquired... and why should I do that? If he had been honest, I might have considered that option, but past friendship only counts for so much , and discovering significent theft and pilfering by this one, not to mention the fact that I will fight to the death if need be for the rights of my daughter, marks the end of that road. No, I will not involve the police. I will do it my own way.
I do not think sociopaths are born. I do not think they become sociopaths at the age of 12, like Jewish children who acquired the mantle of adulthood at that age. I think the descent is gradual, and somehow the choices they make and often, the benefits reaped by manipulative, greedy, and dishonest actions, encourage their sociopathic tendencies.
I always try to be courteous, and I have a tendency to allow people their fantasies, as long as they do not harm me or ohers. I believe that this response of mine may have led these sociopaths to believe that I do not know the difference between fantasy and reality. In fact, I am and always have been almost painfully conscious of reality. I have an excellent memory as well. I still am hurt profoundly by the knowledge that a close family member and a close childhood friend whom I even once considered my sweetheart only perceive me as a ‘mark’.
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