One of my own greatest fears is that, at my age, Dementia somehow will creep up on me unawares in conjunction with some new potentially fatal condition like a dicky heart, clogged arteries, or most likely of all, a NEW blood clot. Something, in other words, that could cause me to go off without any warning into the land of the Beyond...
Note here that it is not Death itself that I fear, but the manner of my dying, and here is the worst part: NOT FOR MY OWN SAKE BUT FOR THE SAKE OF PUBLIC OPINION!
There are stories every day, not only on social media, but in actual mainstream, respectable newspapers, about some guy usually who was found dead on his own, hanged to death by the neck during the course of what he probably thought would be a quick, crafty little wank while the family was out and about. Disaster strikes, and however famous or respected he might be as a writer, or artist, or any other REAL claim to fame, this is the last sentence in his biography: 'he unfortunately died as a result of auto-asphyxiation' if the biographer is genteel, or 'he died with a rope round his throat while having a wank.'
Oddly enough, it appears to be something that occurs more often to men than women. I know there are women who for whatever reason flirt with self-destruction by allowing a partner to tighten a stocking or rope round their necks while engaging in intercourse... Ah, I just realised why women are not found dead alone, hanging from a ceiling! It probably is because more hand action and agility and focus is required for a woman to achieve orgasm by herself than a man probably would need.
In any case, fighting for every breath never has been a source of arousal for me in ANY circumstances, here is where my FEAR takes control of the stage. As I wrote initially, my fear is that somehow I would become the victim of Dementia, and my own deterioration would reach a point, in combination with some geriatric hormonal increase that would transform me into a temporary nymphomanic without my permission or even knowledge of this change, making a sort of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde erotic nightmare.
Let me describe an event in my life that actually occurred, and probably is at the root of this terror: When my daughter was quite young, I would take her to the cinema to watch a matinee. I liked historical drama myself, and whatever potential inaccuracies, believed that taking her to films like this might stimulate a love of history (as well as a need to question official accounts and slants in ANY so-called history book or text) in her.
We therefore went to a matinee showing of the film 'Alexander the Great'. I know, I know, but it was not any sort of erotic scene that caused the subsequent horror to emerge.
Somehow, our own timing coincided with the arrival of a coach filled with people who had mental disabilities of some sort. Whether they were born that way or simply suffered from Dementia that attacked them later in life, the cinema was almost entirely filled with an audience that had been discharged from this coach.
My daughter and I were seated together in one of the rows closest to the screen, but an elderly woman in a wheelchair had been pushed to the very front of the cinema, in front of ALL of the seats, so that she could remain in her wheelchair. Her aide or keeper or whoever had placed her there then split... no one anywhere close to monitor the actions of ANY of the audience members, apart from a very bored, inattentive usher who stood, leaning against the wall, next to the exit at the very back of the cinema.
Note here that we had to sit near the screen primarily because I had become physically disabled myself, and although climbing stairs to a row closer to the back would be possible, doing so with a device that helped me walk, and then trying to navigate my way to the a seat that would allow me to view the screen from the centre, was more trouble than it was worth. We therefore tended to choose a row that, although not the front row, was the front row in its own little section so we could sit in the centre without being required to force our way down a long narrow corridor between seats and the back of the seats in front of them. End of, but a necessary explanation as you will see.
At some quite random moment in the film, this elderly disabled woman began to moan quietly. Soon, however, the level of sound became quite audible to EVERY ONE, and even in the dark, I could see jerky movements of some sort from her that made me think she was having some sort of fit.
As some one who tries to be conscious of the disabled and helpless at ANY age, I turned to my daughter and whispered: 'Please go help that woman! There's something terribly wrong with her!'
I did not want to disclose the fact that I was physically disabled in this little tale, but THAT is why I asked my young daughter to intervene rather than intervening myself.
Even at her tender age, my daughter was far more savvy and sophisticated than I evidently, because she instantly and emphatically refused to have anything to do with this woman's situation. I let it go at that point, despite the continuing moaning rising gradually in decibels.
It was when the woman actually FELL OUT OF HER WHEELCHAIR onto the floor that I demanded my daughter help her. I still did not understand why the woman was making that racket. I thought she honestly was moaning in pain, and that she had suffering some awful accident in the course of an epileptic fit.
So... my daughter simply told me that the woman had not been having a fit, that she was not moaning in pain, and flatly refused to go near her. I ultimately went to the usher myself, after a few more minutes when it became obvious he completely and utterly either deliberately or because his attention was NOT on his job, was prepared to ignore the entire incident,
Yes, the woman was having a wank to Colin Farrell in his role as Alexander the Great. Let us make no bones about that!
Not a bad choice of wanking material, I admit, but it NEVER would occur to me that an elderly woman would do such a thing in a public place where they were showing a film that had not been rated as porn. This was a film that, although it contained some erotic scenes, should be 'safe' from the seedy fellows that wanked off in their trenchcoats in certain film houses back in the day before computers and internet porn, and similarly safe from any potential female counterparts.
The sad fact is that it was not her gender, nor her age, and probably nothing to do with her ordinary personality and character, that caused the situation. She suffered from some mental impairment that dissolved all of the 'filters' on her behaviour, and all of the ordinary rules of polite or even acceptable social conduct. She probably was not even aware of the other people in the cinema, nor even that she WAS in a cinema. She was so 'caught up in the moment' that everything else ceased to matter or even exist.
THIS experience is indelibly fixed in my memory. In my worst nightmares, I fear that one day, I will wank off in some public place, although I am not a nymphomaniac, nor even the sort of woman who really has engaged much in my lifetime in that sort of behaviour even in the privacy of my own room for the most part. This caveat means nothing, however, if I am seized by the hair by the Dementia. God only knows how awful that would be. I have seen it completely destroy the lives of other intelligent, creative, very properly-educated, genteel women in my own family. Never caught them doing a wank, I have to admit, but there are many ways in which a person, if he/she did not suffer from Dementia, could find their own actions embarrassing or simply silly and absurd.
The 'FEAR' however is amplified by the spectre of Death, of somehow causing my own death by an act of orgasm that, in my right mind, I would not have initiated at all if there were any possibility in real terms that it could kill me off. I mean, it happens all the time, doesn't it? The physical effects of a good orgasm are fairly powerful in terms of aspects of the human body, I always believe, but before I wrote this bit, I did a Google search on the subject. Here is what one study concluded:
Disclaimer:
The following are not my own words, nor even my own study... and frankly, a lot of it is too technical for me personally.
Abstract
OBJECTIVE:
This study is to observe the changes of blood pressure (BP), heart rate (HR), double product (DP) and heart rate variability during sexual activity in healthy adults before we cover patients with chronic cardiovascular disease.
METHODS:
Forty-nine participants grouped by sex, 22 males, aged 40.6+/-7.8 years; 27 females, aged 40.3+/-7.8 years, underwent simultaneous ambulatory monitoring of BP and HR for 24 h. During the monitoring period, sexual activity of the participants with man-on-top in their familiar environment was performed. Participants were requested to measure BP manually at the beginning of each sexual phase and three times after orgasm in every 10-min interval and 60 min after orgasm. For each individual, eight measuring values, respectively, about BP, HR, DP and heart rate variability were obtained from baseline to 1 h after orgasm. The data were statistically analysed with paired t-test and the significant level was set at P<0.05.
RESULTS:
In both groups, the peak BP did not appear at orgasm, but at the beginning of plateau and dropped to baseline level at 10 min after orgasm (male 141.41+/-17.13/91.05+/-13.69 vs. 120.14+/-11.07/72.86+/-7.78 mmHg, female 121.67+/-16.61/77.37+/-15.03 vs. 109.37+/-10.54/67.19+/-9.41 mmHg). The peak HR occurred at the beginning of orgasm, and dropped to baseline level 10-20 min after orgasm (male 96.36+/-11.96 vs. 75.41+/-9.02 bpm, female 90.19+/-10.38 vs. 71.44+/-5.68 bpm). DP of both groups elevated at the beginning of plateau and orgasm then decreased to baseline level 10 min after orgasm (male 12964.27+/-2659.17 vs. 9134.09+/-1469.58 mmHg bpm, female 10044.48+/-1777.89 vs. 7841.30+/-1023.79 mmHg bpm). All the results showed that BP, HR and DP have mild to moderate changes during sexual activity in healthy adults.
CONCLUSION:
Using ambulatory technology to monitor BP and HR helps us to get the real data in participants during sexual activity. BP, HR and DP increase just slightly for a short time and recover to baseline level soon after sexual activity in healthy adults. The physical exhaustion during sexual activity is within the range of the daily-life workload.
END OF QUOTE
I guess what you are saying, mate, is that sex really does not present that much of a risk, and that, should I ever succumb to an inappropriate desire to have a wank in an inappropriate venue, with any kind of unintended audience, for ANY reason, that probably will not be the last entry in any biography written about me, if anything about me should prove important enough to become the subject of a proper or even improper biography.
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